[Podcast Ep.2] Making Sensual Time Without Pressure
The next episode of my podcast is out! “Episode 2: Making Space for Sensual Connection without Pressure”.
Sure, if we have a GREAT partner, we KNOW we could stop a sexual encounter at any time if something doesn't feel right. (And it's sad that I have to even preface that with having a great partner, as ideally this would be true in all partnerships- it isn't).
...and, even in an environment where saying 'no' is totally accepted, it can feel difficult to identify our 'no' amidst a sexual encounter where things are escalating.
...this episode is about how when we are longing to discover sexual/sensual deepening with our partner, we NEED times where we agree to just E-X-P-L-O-R-E.
Explore without having to think about maybe stopping something our partner is enjoying and letting them down. Explore and allow for bodies to open without any potential for pressure.
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love-
Charu
In this episode we dive into some dynamics we may not even be aware of. These dynamics stress the importance of dedicated sensual/ non-sexual time when we are discovering new ways to enhance our sex lives. Even when we have great communication with our partner, even when we have an amazing foundation of love, trust and care, there can still be good reason to create immersive time to connect with no sexual pressure. In this episode, we will explore hidden cultural threads of how we think we are supposed to behave and why that might be getting in the way of the pleasure we desire.
Transcription
I was working with this beautiful couple who loves each other so much. I just absolutely love working with them and one of the assignments that I've given them is to set aside time together. I give this to all couples, please feel free to use it if it resonates for you, the assignment is to take at least three times a week 5 to 15 minutes each time as opportunities for connection.
At different points in the process of the work that we do together, I would say there can be different degrees of this being a sexual connection, but no matter what you are doing during this time, it's not a time when you're watching Netflix. It’s a time that is focused on connection. I give lots of little simple exercises for what that might look like and how we're going to nourish these new kinds of connection as we open up our sexuality or sexual connection in new ways.
One of the things that I recommended for this couple, I often recommend this, was that at least two out of these three times where they're doing these connection practices (that will definitely be about connecting and may have some sensuality involved but do not have to) that two out of the three times they meet during the week there would be zero chance of it turning into sex or some thing highly sexual.
When I was sharing these guidelines with the couple I was working with, the man said, “well you know I don't even really think we need that because she knows that all she hast to do is say, ‘hey I don't want to keep going’ or ‘that's not right for me’ or any indicator and I’m happy to stop. Even if I just feel something’s not quite right and she's not totally present going forward, I’m happy to stop. It doesn't matter if it's just starting to get sexual or if we're already almost about to have sex or even in the middle of sex. Anytime, she knows that I would be happy to stop. All she has to do is say something if she's the least bit uncomfortable and I don't wanna keep going, I wanna honor that.”
I told him, this is so beautiful and this is not true in every partnership. (For context, in this case, I'm gonna speak about heterosexual partnerships). Not every woman knows that there's that much care and permission and that there will be no guilt put on her by her partner if she needs to stop in the middle….and then we could say this could maybe even go vice versa if the man needed to stop in the middle. It doesn't have to be about being a man or woman. He's creating this incredibly safe container, ‘whatever you need, no matter what, I will always stop if anything feels off, please just tell me’. I just honor that stance.. which honestly should be the baseline for everyone in every relationship all the time.
The reality is that it isn’t true for everyone, so incredible if that's the context that he's holding and that's beautiful and really really safe and I'm really excited for her that she has a kind of safety and care.
The other thing that I shared with them, was while that context is amazing… when we are in a moment where there may be a possibility of sexual energy arising, especially if we feel it starting to arise in our partner… to even be able to identify that maybe it isn't feeling right for us, even just that, might be hard for some of us in different contexts.
Sexuality, things like that move so fast, it can often be difficult to even feel in the moment that something isn't quite right for our body, so even just feeling it, #1, being able to feel like the momentum of the situation, especially if our partner has desire and is happy is enjoying themselves and we're feeling a no…step #1 is just being aware of that.
First, being aware of it to find and be able to actually say that now out loud and actually stop the momentum of the energy and risk disappointing our partner… even if they're the kindest partner on the planet… I mean even just just try to imagine that kind of scenario, I think for a lot of us, if we imagine that scenario, it's easy to see how that could be really hard to actually do in the moment. How in that dynamic, even with all the permission all the freedom in the world to say, “hey you know what actually, I'm not really feeling this. Can we just stop?’
Even knowing my partner is not gonna be mad, there's not gonna be any consequences, knowing that I'm safe in that way… even that puts a certain amount of responsibility (in this case) on the female partner.
There's lots of reasons culturally why it's interesting to look at this as this as the female partner and this as the male partner. I don't think it always has to be that way, but I think it's interesting to look at because, I will just speak for myself, as a woman who has been enculturated to what it is to be a woman in this culture, at this time in history, there are many layers of deep deep things that I've been subtly taught by the culture that have become a part of me -whether I like it or not.
Even through my growth and awareness, and also because of my personal life stories, traumas, familial relationships, the idea… lets not even say it's my partner, just the idea of letting someone down, is very heavy in my body. The idea that I am supposed to manage the experiences of those around me, especially those that I care about and love.. and I want to make sure that they're well taken care of and that they're happy… is deeply enculturated in me.
This could be true for a man, I'm just sharing like as this human woman, and then we can also even go into a really deep cultural patterning passed from generation to generation to generation.
If we think about how as a woman, less than 100 years ago, to some degree our survival would've been dependent on a male partner, that's not necessarily true for every woman… but we could not have our own credit card without a man signing off, we could not have our own property… this is not that long ago! So to some degree, built into just being born into this modern world and being enculturated as a woman and living as a woman there are some really deep barriers, that are invisible, to taking a stand.
Especially as an attempt to creating a barrier to making a choice that might make our partner disappointed. Even just disappointed or uncomfortable or a little bummed out even at all… let alone risking maybe some actual anger from a partner.
So there's really deep reasons why the difference between; ‘we need to have containers (that we purposefully say won't turn into sex) for connection’ vs. ‘I know my partner can say no at any time’. It’s very different because that's so much responsibility on her. Again, the sexes could be switched but in this case, I'm talking about her… that's so much responsibility on her to be the one to stop that train from going forward that's actually quite a heavy weight. And if we're looking to create a circumstance, in this case for her, where she feels really safe to discover what she needs sexually in a new way, to feel a wide potential of opening to allow her body to really blossom and flower in new ways that are not always interrelated with what her partner needs from her…. then the container where she doesn't even have to think for one second about having to stop something that isn’t working for her is really important.
It allows this deep breath of possibility where she can start to feel things, even if those things are sexual and sensual, without feeling a quiet pressure that if this turns him on, and then if I'm not turned on, then I have to be the one to put the brakes on. Once I explained it like that he was amazing and very acknowledging that, “yeah, I can see, I can feel the difference!’
I guess that's something that I would pose to you is, can you feel the difference? Can you get a taste for how that might change what opens in the body? I do not think that it is limited to what sex you are born into, I think that absolutely for men to experience new things different things different awakenings and openings in their sexual experience, I also think taking that pressure off and having pockets of time that are in about that is incredibly valuable and expansive. I would say this is true for anyone, of any sex on the spectrum.
So, I guess as a take away, something to think about if you're wanting to enhance improve grow in your sex life, grow in your connection… then one of my questions for you would be; 1)are you making time to nurture and nourish your connection to focus on connection that isn't about sharing a meal and that isn’t about watching something on it screen?
Those things are good to just in addition are you making time for these other things? Could you see the benefit of there being a container where you can allow sensuality, you can allow for arousal, you can nurture and nourish connection… and do that within a bubble where there is no pressure and no possibility agreed by both of you, that it will turn into intercourse or cross over into that place where sensuality becomes sex? Just an inquiry… what might that give you to have that kind of space? And then, lemme know!