[Podcast Ep 7] When your partner keeps refusing your sexual advances…
Hello Everyone!
The next episode of my podcast is out! Episode 7: When your partner keeps refusing your sexual advances…
What happens when your partner is shut down to your advances? When you haven’t made love in so long, and you are getting frustrated, but you seem to just be coming up against a dead-end with them?
Is this something you’ve experienced?
Have you been on the OTHER side of it? Feeling your partner coming towards you sexually, maybe in a way that isn’t working for you or you just don’t have the bandwidth to respond? Or maybe you are even stretching to just go ahead and ‘do it’ even though it’s not feeling right?
In this episode, we explore what’s really going on when your partner refuses your advances and what you can do to begin to foster more trust and communication so you can start connecting again in a way that feels great for both of you.
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love-
Charu
P.S. Do you see yourself in these episodes? Want some additional support? I would absolutely LOVE to be a part of your journey!
Learn more at www.CharuMorgan.com where you can find information on working with me 1 on 1 as well as small group retreats and online courses.
Summary
When you approach your partner for sex they aren’t accepting your advances & the other side of it… The way your partner is approaching you doesn’t work.
So so many reasons this could be happening!!
It isn’t about you… they have something going on physically, mentally, emotionally that just has them using their energy elsewhere and they are not engaged sexually inside of themselves. Ex; stuff with kids, overwhelm with work, family dynamics, aging parents, health crisis etc…. Does this mean you (the partner wanting more sex) should just let it go? It’s complicated… sometimes it does… in long-term partnership we are going to go through many phases together… going through a phase where sex slows down for legitimate reasons is a thing that happens. If this is the case, keep open lines of communication open, how can you let your partner know in a gentle way that you are missing them and would like more connection, maybe you have some fears that it won’t come back… while also letting them know that you understand where they are at and respect them? How could you create intimate/connecting time that feels good for both of you? What would that look like? Is it possible within the limitations of the situation. Ex. Going for a walk holding hands, holding one another and breathing together, setting aside some time where you could ask one another for something that feels good (massage, etc).
MAY BE TIED IN TO DEEPER DYNAMICS ~ see Ep. 6 ‘Why you have grown apart sexually’… essentially, there may be deeper relational issues that are making your partner feel closed off to sex with you. If this is the case communication will be key and you may need outside support to help you find one another again.
They may not like the way you’ve been doing it. What can I say? This is a real thing that happens a lot. When there hasn’t been a lot of communication or exploration around sexuality between two partners, this is another case for communication, safe space, exploration and outside support.
How to approach your partner if you haven’t had sex in a while and you would like to?
If you are feeling ‘we haven’t had sex since this day’
That agitation that comes with wanting to connect sexually… watch how it comes out of you…
There are lots of reasons why you might be sad/angry/annoyed that you are not having more sex or that your partner isn’t approaching you more.
Maybe you are also feeling that when you do approach them they often reject you (not always and what I’m talking about in this episode applies even if this aspect isn’t true for you).
So, if you are feeling this, first thing is NOTICE how you approach them when you are feeling sexy/want to connect.
If you are:
Grabbing at them during a moment when they are deeply occupied with something else.
Touching their body in a way that works for you, but may not work for them (have you checked in about this?)
Taking their hands and putting them on you in a sexual way with no warm up or check in. (Of course there are sometimes playful moments where this can work, but that’s not what I’m talking about here).
Saying things like, ‘we haven’t had sex in so long’, ‘I’m so horny’, ‘when are we going to have sex? It’s been forever?’ (None of these are wrong… just may not be the best way to get things started)
It’s important to remember that your partner is not just there to meet your sexual need… I know it seems like that goes without saying, but there is some deep enculturation that is often truly unconscious, but can contribute to a dynamic where this entitlement is baked in.
If you don’t think this is happening, it could be a great opportunity for you to ask your partner about it… they may be feeling this coming from you and haven’t known how to say anything.
If you are on the other side of this what can you do?
Start a convo… ‘I love you so much and I want to feel close to you. Sometimes when you (approach me by just putting my hand on your hard cock or telling me that you are horny without any effort to discover what would work for me or really connect) I feel…. (then fill in how it makes you feel).
To receive the statement like, ‘we haven’t had sex in so long’ or ‘when are we going to have sex again’ it’s like a hot-potato… it’s like, I’m ready to have sex, YOU solve this, make this happen, all I’m available for is to name it and throw it to you, but I’m not available to actually open with you and work.
I used to have a lover who would just show me his penis…often when I was in the middle of something that I needed all my attention on and a little raise of the eyebrow… Why didn’t this work for me?
THEN the internal question can be.. what is in my toolkit that I might be able to employ to open some of those gateways?
If you notice that what is rising in you is a desire to have sex, feel closer to the person you love… what is in your toolkit that inspires loving and connection and sensuality?
Where can you let them know ’I miss you, I want to connect with you, I love being close to you, can we make some time for that? What could I give to you that would feel really good right now?’
Let your desire guide it, but share it in a more partnered way where there can be a meeting/connection.
The more you do that, the more the other partner will come toward you.
It’s not about you, it’s about PARTNERING. Most of us don’t partner, we just don’t have the tools… most of us are in a power struggle within our relationships which keeps us from being able to actually partner.
What is partnering? When I have an interrelated desire, how do I bring it as an invitation as something we can work on together.
Your care and sincerity… the more you are in touch with your love and care for your partner, the more they will respond to that.
When they feel that the motivator for your desire is ‘I love you and I want to be close to you’ THATS what is going to open your partner… rather than just, ‘I have a need and I want you to fulfill that need, or worse, I EXPECT you to fulfill that need and you are already failing since I’m feeling a deficit.’
Seeking support can help navigate difficult dynamics. Visit charumorgan.com for one-on-one support.